Salvation
by biggrstaffbunch
Summary: [one-shot] “When I feel like I’ll never reach salvation,” Angel whispered, “I remember your touch that night, Buffy. And I know that whatever happens, we’ll still have our strength. Each other.” ll BxA fluff, 7x21 ll


Title: Salvation

Author: biggerstaffbunch

A/N: Spoiler for "End of Days"

Summary: "When I feel like I'll never reach salvation," Angel whispered, "I remember your touch that night, Buffy. And I know that whatever happens, we'll still have our strength. Each other." Buffy/Angel fluff after 7x20.

Reviews: Please leave them! *note* Cordy-bashing, kinda…

*~*~*

"Angel."

"Buffy." He acknowledged her. "Well, the least you could do is say, "Nice to see you again…"

And all of a sudden they were kissing again, a passionate tangle of his cold lips and her warm breath, that comforting mix that Buffy had missed. He was large and solid, wrapped around her like a warm wind or a heavy blanket, and she snuggled deeper in his embrace, letting her bloodied hands roam up to his nape, where his hair grew thick and soft. She let her small, compact and aching body fall against the length of him, and as he caught her waist in his capable hands, she smiled into his mouth.

He always caught her.

 "Angel," she whispered against his lips. 

"Buffy." 

Angel's voice was deep and warm and hoarse with sentiment, but so, so soothing. Buffy had missed his voice, the steadiness of it, the way it could take on a hard edge, but always, always keep that hitch of emotion when he was looking at her. She'd missed the way he looked at her. She'd missed him.

"I missed you." Buffy broke away, letting her hands fall and her legs take a few steps back. "You know I did. But…this…" she made a helpless gesture at the rubble around them, letting a careless hand motion vaguely at Caleb's inert body. 

His eyes regarded her for a moment, a gaze of such dark intensity that for a moment, Buffy forgot that vampires couldn't read minds. Almost wistfully, she remembered how it was in high school, with her girlish insecurities and his gentle probing. Something flickered behind the walls he always had up over his eyes, and Buffy was mildly startled to realize: _Things have changed._ Angel was uncertain now, treading new waters. 

"I understand," he said. "It's not a good time." There it was; that rare smile, a wolfish lift of his lips and a glimmer in his gaze. He shrugged and turned, walking away. No, Buffy corrected herself, not away, more towards the door. 

"Don't…" Buffy said, before she could help herself, her voice louder than she had intended. She moved her hand slightly, her fingers twitching against her side.

Angel turned. "Buff?" He was at her side in a moment again, concern in his eyes. "What's wrong?"

"Don't go." Buffy closed her eyes. The world swam for a second, the effects of Caleb's blows hitting her a little belatedly. Her knees locked and she placed a hand on her forehead as she folded downward to her knees. "Don't leave…Angel…"

"Hey!" Angel crouched as he touched her shoulder, her cheek, her hair. "I'm right here, Buffy. Right here, okay? Look at me."

"I…" For a moment Buffy's head cleared and she looked up into Angel's anxious face. "The world is _so_ ending," she whispered. She gave a lopsided grin. "And I'm like General Buffy, but my troops are mutinying, and I have _nothing_ except this axe to fight a humongous _horde_ of _vampires_, and…I'm so, so tired." Her eyes glazed over with tears. "I haven't been able to stop, or complain, or cry, or…Angel, I think I may die. And I haven't done everything I want to do on Earth." The snot was pooling and her eyes were hot and stinging, and Buffy was clutching Angel's arm for dear life. Tears seeped out and Buffy felt a lightheaded relief as she began to cry.

Angel didn't tell her to shush, and he didn't try and make her feel better. He never did. He just held her, cuddling her close to him and breathing into her hair. Breathing was a luxury vampires didn't take advantage of other than smoking, but it was an illusion that often had comforted Buffy. It was still comforting, for Buffy to feel Angel's breath, cold and vague, against her neck. 

After a moment, Buffy quieted. "You know," she said, her voice muffled, "Everyone's working so hard, trying to ignore how huge this situation is. That we may lose. But Angel," she moved away a little, "That's all I've thought about the past month." Buffy gave a mewling sound and cuddled closer. "My brain isn't so full of static with you," she offered. "Here with you, I feel like I could lose and be happy."

"Buffy…"

"I know. It's selfish. It's…God, it's so wrong. But I can't help it. I forget how good it feels with you, Angel! I forget how good it is to let go and just lose myself in you and us. And when you come back, I remember, and I _don't care._" Buffy struggled to free herself from Angel's arms, but seemed to just give up. "Normally, I have time to go through this angst privately; you schedule visits nicely like that." Sarcasm dripped from Buffy's voice. "But now, what with the avoiding of the apocalypse…"

"You want to resolve this." It was not a question, but a statement.

"Can we?" This time, Angel let her move away. Buffy sat back, folding her arms and crossing her legs, staring at the ridiculous image of Angel crouching and averting her eyes. "What we have can't be resolved, Angel. Too much pain and a past for that. But…" her eyes softened. "I feel like I'm gonna die. And I don't wanna unless you know things. How I feel. Felt."

Angel listened.

"No one has ever gotten closer to me than you have, Angel. No matter what, yours has always been the part of my heart that I never gave away. _Never. Not good for relationships, I can tell you." Rueful smile. "I've always kept this section of me roped off from others, this area that couldn't be touched or seen or even _understood_. It was the part of me that was afraid of loving. But-"_

Buffy stopped. The tears were choking her again, and Angel gritted his teeth. He could see how painful this was for her.

"-But I let myself show you. I- God, I let you _in._ I gave myself _whole-heartedly to you, and I haven't done that with anyone since. Not anyone."_

"You don't have to do this," Angel whispered. "Don't open yourself up like this, Buffy…"

"Why?!" Buffy stood up, her eyes flashing. "All I've ever wanted was to open myself up to you! I risked so much to be with you, and I am willing to risk so much more. Do you have any idea what that feels like?" she bit off. "I don't even know you anymore, but I _still_ love you!"

Angel got to his feet in a second. "Of course I know how you feel," he growled, his voice rough. "You think this hasn't been hell for me too? You have no idea what I've done for you!"

"For me?" Buffy's voice was cold. "Giles's done a lot for me, too, Angel." She saw him flinch and was perversely glad. "Have you ever done anything for _us? Ever? For a future, for something…"_

"There can't _be an 'us'." Angels's voice was weak. Sad._

"There can. If there can be a Cordelia and you, there can be a you and me. Isn't that right, Angel?"

And there is was. All the hurt and uncertainty and pain and love that Buffy had for this being was coursing through her, flowing through her veins and pumping her heart. Whether it be passion or anger or love, it was emotion for Angel that was keeping her alive right now.

Angel closed his eyes. "How…I didn't want you to find out like that." His eyes opened. "Wait. How'd you find out about that anyway? _I didn't even realize it till-"_

"Faith. She told me-" Buffy corrected herself, "-_gloated to me. You and Spordelia. How novel." Her lips trembled._

"It isn't what you and I had."

"It better not be. I heard that you lost your soul, Angel. Did Cordelia kill you for the sake of the world, too? Did she have some _fun sword-fighting and opening of demon dimensions?"_

"Buffy. _Don't."_

"No!" Buffy shook her head stubbornly. "Why can Cordelia have you and I can't? Why is it that you come here and kiss me and then you can leave and love _her? Why aren't __you in pain, too? This much pain!" She thumped her chest and pressed her fist to Angel's heart, unfolding her palm and pressing it against the hill of his pec._

_"No! No, I felt your heart beat!"…_

"I'm in pain," Angel said, his voice raw. "I'm in pain every second I'm here, because as much solace as I give you, you give me the same. And it hurts because I'm not supposed to have that, but you are. I hate that I'm the only way you feel at peace, because I love you too much to have you be with me. I breed pain- "Angel gave a grim smile, "-literally, and I _can't_ bring you into it." He took her palm in his own, folding it into a fist covered by his fingers, and brought them to his lips. "What I feel for Cordelis isn't anything like what we have. I…I love her. I'll admit that. But- Buffy, I'll never _stop_ loving you. You're ingrained in my heart, and in my soul, and even when I was Angelus again, all I knew was you. I all I know is you, and that's why I come back. I'm not strong enough to stay away, and sometimes I'm glad for that. I miss you."

"You-" Buffy laughed brokenly. "You- you _miss_ me."

"Every second of my life." He kissed her palm. "If you're strong because of my love for you, then live. Fight. I will always love you. Always. _Always." _

Buffy just looked into his eyes. "And Cordelia?"

Angel's jaw tightened. "She's in a coma."

"Oh, Angel.." Buffy dropped her hands and looked horrified. "I'm..I'm sorry."

"No, you're not." Angel reached down and brought her hands up to his lips again, pulling her close to him. "But it doesn't matter. What we have is _here and _now._ No pretenses, no taking solace in others…"_

Buffy felt a clench of guilt. "Angel, about that…"

"Shh." His mouth was close to hers again. "Just file that entire diatribe away and berate yourself when the battle is over.

"I keep my part of you inside me, too, Buffy. You've seen me in ways others will never, ever get to. Take solace in that. You and I own a part of each other that won't ever diminish with time. If the circumstances call for it to be buried, then just unearth these moments when you're at your worst. It's what I do- it's what keeps me sure that you aren't just a dream."

His fingers stroked her cheek and Buffy choked on a sob.

"When I feel like I'll never reach salvation," Angel whispered, "I remember your touch that night, Buffy. And I know that whatever happens, we'll still have our strength. Each other."

Buffy nodded. "You're leaving, aren't you," she sighed. "After this?"

"Yes."

"It's okay." She looked up into his eyes, those dark, deep brown, loving eyes. Tracing the line of his jaw and lips, memorizing every detail, she whispered, "I'll fight with you inside my heart. I'll win. And maybe one day…"

The words went unspoken as they leaned in for one last sweet kiss.

"Salvation will come to us." 


End file.
